A year in my life, from the day I was diagnosed and for the full year after. Walk with me.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Day 200 Ignition

I sleep alot.  Not the exhausted, gotta sleep sleep but the sullen, disinterested sleep interrupted by self incrimination and wish-I-hads.  I was advised that this fatigue is a common side effect of Tamoxifen, but it is more than that.

When my anxiety became uncontrollable by other methods, my DOnc doubled down on my antidepressants.  I would never do this under normal circumstances because the absence of my ups and downs really kills my creative nature, and I don't know how to engage with the world except through my creativity.  I am really dulled by this and kick around the house seeing everything that needs doing and doing none of it, not because I'm depressed (though technically I am) but because I am uninspired by it.

I think alot about this blog and begin my process of writing only to be frustrated by my lack of vision followed by abandoning the task.

Lately though, I have started to feel a little better.  The soupy miasma has lifted somewhat and I can peek under it's door.  I am getting little shocks of animus, my sense of humor is returning, I have moments of unexpected efficiency.  My motor is restarting.

Thanks to everyone who has commented, you helped bring me back.