A year in my life, from the day I was diagnosed and for the full year after. Walk with me.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Day 200 Ignition

I sleep alot.  Not the exhausted, gotta sleep sleep but the sullen, disinterested sleep interrupted by self incrimination and wish-I-hads.  I was advised that this fatigue is a common side effect of Tamoxifen, but it is more than that.

When my anxiety became uncontrollable by other methods, my DOnc doubled down on my antidepressants.  I would never do this under normal circumstances because the absence of my ups and downs really kills my creative nature, and I don't know how to engage with the world except through my creativity.  I am really dulled by this and kick around the house seeing everything that needs doing and doing none of it, not because I'm depressed (though technically I am) but because I am uninspired by it.

I think alot about this blog and begin my process of writing only to be frustrated by my lack of vision followed by abandoning the task.

Lately though, I have started to feel a little better.  The soupy miasma has lifted somewhat and I can peek under it's door.  I am getting little shocks of animus, my sense of humor is returning, I have moments of unexpected efficiency.  My motor is restarting.

Thanks to everyone who has commented, you helped bring me back.


Susan said...

Thank you for your honest sharing of what you are going through.

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

Glad you're feeling better. I swear, you sound like me with the house selling (or lack of), menopause, and the loss of my mother. I'm so tired and disinterested. It comes and goes. Then I read a depressing book. Don't read "Disgrace." Just depressing. Anyway, I've got a new saddle coming so that's something to get excited about! The motor is revving. Are you able to ride or do some horse stuff? That is always good for the mood.

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

I'm wondering how you're doing.