A year in my life, from the day I was diagnosed and for the full year after. Walk with me.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Day 59 Howling

I have an issue with my plastic surgeon.  He made it sound like expanders followed by a permanent silicone implant would be a piece of cake.  We would gradually, conservatively add fluid and the result would be two hard lumps making space for the piece de resistance: beautiful, new boobies.

If I had it to do over again I would have used my own tissue. I have ended every day in tears this last week because I can do very little with my arms that doesn't cause my pectoralis muscles to spasm over these hard, saline filled, nodules-from-hell. My chest wall feels like fire. Every day of this week has found me stoned and flat on my back.  Forget the risk of tissue necrosis, longer recovery and long surgical day, at least I wouldn't be looking at an entire summer strung out on Loritab and Flexoril.

I am two days out from my last expansion and having my remaining drains pulled.  These drains were located nearest to the chest wall and were "borderline" in their collection of salmon colored serous fluid.  The doctor tells me that the remaining fluid collecting around the expanders should be a good thing as it would help with my gradual expansion.  He then filled my numb breasts with 50 ccs of saline and left the nurse to yank my drains.

I completely separated from my body as my nurse clipped the suture that held the drain to the inflamed site and then yanked.  I heard a howl, but didn't register that it came from me until the grey cleared and I could again see the ceiling of the exam room.  I had a better hold on reality for the next one, but I am not sure that's a good thing.  Afterwards, I thanked the nurse through my tears because not to do so would be rude and, after all, my drains were now out and that is a wonderful thing.  My husband says I went from spider to insect to human, never thought of it that way but it is a wonderful thing to FEEL human again.

By the time we arrived back home the pressure in my chest was agony and I went straight for the meds and another lovely afternoon on my back trying not to move or breathe.  I have 250ccs in right now with 150 to go.  One of my frankenboobies is bruised and purple due to the Expander vs. Muscle cage match that is currently being waged on my chest wall.

Today is a better day.  I am two weeks out from surgery now, and I am told that I am doing great.  This morning my husband picked me up so that I could attend my son's graduation from middle school.  I saw him cross the stage and take his certificate and it occured to me that my time with him and his sister is so finite and precious.  I hate this process all the more for looting my time with them.


Laurie said...

It gets easier. I'm so sorry. You can get thru this and soon, the memory of the pain will fade to nothing!

zenmama said...

Thanks Laurie...I know you're right, I am trying to climb up out of my pity pot but it's REAL deep.