A year in my life, from the day I was diagnosed and for the full year after. Walk with me.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Day Five Stage Three

Anger is a most unsafe emotion.  My mother was an angry, dangerous, vengeful, sometimes violent, depressive, unpredictable woman.  Anger made me freeze when I was little, it's better now that I am older and have developed healthier ways of dealing with strong emotions.  I haven't seen or heard from my family in 15 years, that has encouraged my recovery, necessary because mommy dearest endowed me with all of her menacing skills.  My sainted husband has helped me a lot by being a wonderful example and an even better anger catalyst.  I have practiced my explosions of unhealthy anger on him for years and have finally learned how not to fight dirty, how to listen, how to create something good out of strife and disagreement.  It's been a long road.  I like it much better this way.  He had helped create a better person out of me, bless his battle tested soul.

Today my mother came back to visit in the form of wild, out of control anger.   My inner child is hiding under the bed.

You can talk about anger as a step in the process of grieving, but you cannot understand it until you experience it.  This is not miffed, vexed, cranky or irate; this is violent and dangerous fury.  It is unreasonable and it is mixed in with despair.  It's an emotional parfait. A layer of gall, a layer of hopelessness, a layer of fear, another layer of gall and so on.

I keep cramming it down so it doesn't effect my family.  That can't be healthy, but it seems preferable to being the hissy fit hussy that everyone wants to avoid.

Tomorrow my in laws come home from their trip to New York City.  I had better get myself under control by then because, after we tell them, all hell is going to break loose.  My MRI is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon.  The wheels are rolling faster and faster.  Strength and peace are called for here and they are in very short supply.


the sebaceous funk said...

Well, this is about you. screw the family they need to back you up. Don't make me come out there.

Darwin said...

I agree. Set boundaries. And if I have to come out there, your children's lives will be forever changed in ways you can only imagine .... :)

zenmama said...

Wow, if you both came out here things would never be the same, and that's for certain. You would leave a delightful, though unorthodox, impression on the kids. I, personally, would love to see what came out of that.

Love you both.