I love a Doctor who sits on the sofa next to your chairs. It is such a formidable distance to span when they sit behind their desks. That barrier must protect them from the psychic overflow splashing out of their Visitor chairs. It's an act of bravery and compassion to choose the exposure of the sofa. It says "I am with you to help you wade through your shock and misery." "I am not afraid to show you how I really feel in the face of what you are feeling right now." "Don't be afraid, I am here."
Dr. C was professional, knowledgeable and human. She treated us with dignity and like partners, answering our questions without any condescension. Stage 2 invasive lobular carcinoma. Prognosis "good." I really wanted to hear "excellent."
I had a list of questions to ask about the tumors, turns out they will have to be addressed to my oncologist after my MRI. Hopefully it hasn't spread, and I don't think it has. We took images of my lymph nodes and they looked completely clear. The tumors are small, she is still amazed that I could feel them.
Looks like a double of mastectomy with a tram flap. Is it wrong that I am excited about a tummy tuck and big girl titties? I am going to be HOT.
And I am going to live.
When I first held my children after I gave birth I was disappointed that I didn't feel the instant overwhelming love that I had imagined. That came later and was indeed overwhelming. I just needed time. So I guess I shouldn't be shocked that I didn't get that "survivor" feeling right away either. I felt so weak and vulnerable. My husband was my rock and my island of solitude and I felt so needy. Not like a Survivor at all. The vortex of cancer was sucking my in and I couldn't even dog paddle. That is changing now. I feel my old self ebbing back, the shock of the first punch is wearing off and I am ready to finish this bar fight. Damn it, I am 48 years young, I have two teenage kids, I ride horses, I lift weights, I love living. Fuck you cancer, you are going down.
At least I think you are.
On the way home my husband and I stopped for ice cream. I am a "one scoop in a cup" kind of girl, but today I ordered two scoops on a waffle cone. I need my tummy for my new boobs. After we stopped at a friends jewelry store and my husband bought me a $300.00 Reactor watch with a pink mother of pearl face. The most expensive watch I have ever owned was a Seiko, bought on sale, but he knew I needed a bullet proof, Wonder woman bracelet. For this, super hero powers are called for.
I love it, and intend to wear it every day.
Tonight we will tell the kids. I will fill them with hope and optimism, but first I need a martini.