A year in my life, from the day I was diagnosed and for the full year after. Walk with me.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Day Four Watching the Hummingbirds

It's hummingbird season here.  I don't know much about them, it's enough for me to watch their irridescent, ruby throated flitting.  In order to attract hummingbirds you have to set out nectar sometimes for two or three seasons.  Word has to spreadthrough the hummingbird media I guess.  After that you shouldn't let them down, you need to commit to setting out the hummingbird buffet each year.  It's an honor really, they are extraordinary creatures.  I no longer set out the nectar and haven't for many years, but the kids and I used to.  We would watch them together from the kitchen window,fascinated.  I miss that.

The kids grew up and I got busier making their time my occupation.  I'm glad I did it, very few women do that anymore, full time mothering.  I don't judge, the choice to stay at home or not to stay at home is difficult and takes great personal sacrifice either way.  Managing my daughter's autism was a full time job that noone could do but me.  She's much better now.  My son too, has become an independent person with his own life. I no longer need to spend my entire day with my kids.  Now I work outside the home.  I no longer drive them everywhere they go and listen to their conversations and arguments.  I miss that.

My husband and I told our children about my diagnosis, giving them the facts and telling them that we would need their support through this treatment period.  Surprisingly they didn't say much of anything.  The tears I had been prepared for didn't come, there were no questions.   I don't know if they are brave or unconcerned, honestly.  Clearly they think I am the kind of woman who is difficult to kill.

Then something extraordinary happened.  My elusive Aspie daughter started coming out of her room, without being asked, to sit with me on the couch.  Close enough so our hips almost touch.  When I reach out to touch her hair she doesn't flinch, she just turns and looks at me, right in my eyes. My son sits across the room, glancing up occasionally and smiling.  He is the first person to get up when I seem to need something.  For the past two days they have hovered there.  Irridescent.  I watch, fascinated.   It's an honor really.


JPSumner said...

Patricia, you are a brilliant writer! I've always loved your personality and your humor and wit. I HATE the reason why you started the blog. But it's an honor to be able to read your thoughts now. I feel honored to know you.

I read your posts as if you are speaking it aloud to be which makes it so incredibly funny... and of course heartbreaking at times... You seem to be approaching IT with the best tools in your bag — a great support system (Lane, kids, friends, etc.) and a great attitude.

Attitude is everything
....and we all know you’ve got a lot of attitude (like me!)... ;)

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."


I look forward to reading more (and your seeing your big tatas at the gym)!

zenmama said...

Thank you Jen. Those are the kindest words and they help me hugely.

It is, by the way, an honor to know you too.