A year in my life, from the day I was diagnosed and for the full year after. Walk with me.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Day 18 Justice

When the surgeon asked me: "Why do you want the Diep Flap procedure?" I said "Justice."  This was my idea of a give and take negotiation with my cancer, a deal with my devil so to speak.  You take my breasts and I can take all of this unwelcome fat around my middle and move it up.  Justice.

It took a lot for me to surrender to the tissue expanders.  My surgeon had to go into all of the stuff that I knew but had depressed.  Tissue death being the major here, followed by radiation damage.  She told me she crys when the Tram and Diep Flap patients have to undergo the radiation which shrinks the breast.  A donor tissue breast cannot be rebuilt, ever.  Implants can be redone if needed.  Lots of stuff can kill your donor tissue, the procedure is very long, anethesia is high risk.  Recovery takes months, not weeks.

Heavy sigh.  I was looking at this like my silver lining and I am shocked by how disappointed I am.  I hate my tummy and it is never going away.  I love my breasts and they are.  I cry half way home while my husband holds my wet, snotty hand.

Sometimes that is what you need to turn yourself around, a rollicking pity party with just you and your dearest friend.  After I was finished being weepy I looked at what I did have:  Healthy children, a loving husband, a job I love (not to mention a job in this economy,)  my husband has a steady job, we have two cars in good repair, my fridge is full of food, my in-laws are always right there if I need help, I am surrounded with people and animals who love me, I have a roof over my head, my insurance is good AND I bought cancer insurance several years back.  I will continue to have all of that along with pretty implants and a tummy, I will be zaftig.   That's Yiddish for round, curvy, or literally "juicy."   And, because of Cancer I will from now on, know that I have more than enough.



Laurie said...

I had HUGE concerns over your plans for either of the flap procedures. I am very glad that you are not planning to go that route. There are still more decisions, such as saline or silicone. What crazy things to think about along with the biggest - survival.

Grey Horse Matters said...

I liked your last paragraph where you listed all the good things in your life. Being hit with this disease is debilitating but at least you have a good attitude and I think that makes a lot of difference on how you deal with things. Good luck with everything.

JPSumner said...

You should add a cute and perky butt to the list of good things! ;)

Over the Pond said...

Love your tummy - it is healthy, and it is there for you, holding all the reserves that you may need to draw on over the next hard, cruel months.

Love your man also. A man who will hold your wet snotty hand while you cry about loosing your breasts is probably the greatest gift that you will ever have.

I am so proud of you, Zen, you have the courage to cry, but to count your blessings also.

Oh! And next time you go to Birmingham, stop in Pelham and go to Carousel, the lovliest horse shop in Alabama, buy yourself some Kerrits breeches, and enjoy the fact that they will be comfy when you do your equitherapy (equstherapy???), whatever the weather xxx

zenmama said...

Thanks everyone, what a journey! thanks for being my travel companions, I couldn't have a better bunch.

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

"And because of cancer, I will from now on know that I have more than enough." What a beautiful thing to say! It reminds me of what I learned since losing my mother--it's so cliche but now I really appreciate the people I do have. People can tell us these things. But you just don't get it until it happens to you and so in that way, it's kind of like a gift.

Darwin said...

You are amazing. You are grateful, appreciative, incredibly intelligent (always). But I must now disclose to all here who are following your progress the exact moment when I fell in love with you as my friend.

Patricia and I worked together, and we happened to be in the workplace bathroom at the same time. I didn't realize until I got deeply involved in my own issues in the stall next to her that I desperately needed a tampon. I said hey Patty, can you do me a favor? And she replied, well, you know Taryn, I just don't do favors for people when I've got my pants pulled down.

When she left, I dealt with my situation with half a roll of toilet paper, got back to my desk to get a quarter out of my purse, and took care of the problem on a solo trip back to the bathroom and the tampon machine. But it was so funny to me, what she had said, that at that moemnt she became my dear friend for life. And I know I can ask her for a favor now, and she'll say SURE! As long as her pants are pulled up...

zenmama said...

VERY difficult to do favors with your pants around your ankles. I makes walking wobbly.